Round 3 woes -- The Psycological Struggle

So... today I'm going to be horribly honest with you about what my life has been like the past 3 weeks.  Sometime around my Planned Interruption I cracked. I started to struggle with the thought that I was at a normal BMI for the first time in my life. Struggle, you might say, WHY struggle? In my mind... I was "normal" for the first time EVER in my adult life. So I rushed into my planned interruption and did not follow my own rules. I ate whatever I felt like eating rather than sticking to phase 3 foods only, stopped weighing, stopped caring, stopped eating in a controlled manner, and thus... GAINED! Ugh!

THEN, when I entered back into phase 2, VLCD on February 6th.... I was STARVING and CRAVING!! WHY?? Because I had NOT stuck to phase 3 foods only so I threw my body totally out of whack. I ended up with another cold just a couple days into the VLCD which caused a stall and made me totally give up on being a protocol Stricty. I tried some very rogue ideas for the next 5-6 days and finally ended up eating anything fatty I could get my hands on for 2 days straight... all the time STILL taking my hcg. Do you know what happens when you take hcg and eat anything, everything, and especially FAT??? YOU GAIN!!  I ended up back up at 150 again.

That night I cried... I bawled... I struggled through feeling like I was an absolute failure. I was a loser, a quitter and was letting myself AND everyone else down! I literally had a complete emotional break down and was going to quit... but hated myself for giving up at 150. I felt I had done this entire round for nothing stopping there, yet I felt like I could not face hcg and phase 2 (though I wasn't following the rules) for one more single solitary day. I fell apart and shared my struggles on one of my favorite yahoo groups: hcg2 and they overwhelmed me with support, encouragement, and care. I still went to bed not knowing what the next day would be for me... another cheat day, or would I have the nerve to get back on the VLCD and stick to it?? I woke up to see 150.6 on the scale.

I had struggled through finally giving myself permission to quit and move on to maintenance and use JUDDDing to get the rest off.... but all of a sudden I could not quit. I got my mo jo back and decided I wanted to have a green smoothie. Now, I have never in my life until that day, drank a green smoothie they always looked totally disgusting to me. BUT it was all I wanted. So I made a green smoothie:

1 cup kefired skim milk or 1 serving of protein powder
3 ounces frozen strawberries
5 ounces fresh baby spinach
stevia to taste, squirt of vanilla extract, and cinnamon
1/2 - 1 cup of water, until desired consistency

I loved it, drank it for breakfast and felt, GOOD for the first time in WEEKS.  Then... hubby wanted to celebrate his first phase 4 day and took us out for lunch... I ate, no sugar no carbs, but ate fat..... Went home and felt like a smoothie for dinner, so I did. So another off protocol day.. but in a weird way I felt in control and ready to return to VLCD.

Since that day... I've been on track drinking smoothies 2 times a day and my weight is slowly dropping. Today though I decided on 1 smoothie and 1 protein/veggie/fruit serving like "normal".  I'm not sure how much longer I will do the VLCD. I have finally worked through giving myself permission to quit on any day of my choosing whether or not I reach that magic number of 135. I MIGHT go all the way to March 8th and I MIGHT not. I've decided to take it one day at a time and if I start to struggle with staying on protocol, then that next day will be my last dose and I'll transition to phase 3.

What have I learned?
1. Stick with phase 3 eating ONLY while on a Planned Interruption.
2. By eating whatever on a PI it stirs up cravings and makes week 1 of the VLCD just as bad as week 1 at the beginning of phase 2 BUT without the load... which means it is REALLY tough!
3. Cheating with hcg in your system allows you to gain weight VERY quickly.  AND makes strict VLCD'ing VERY hard afterwards because of increased hunger and cravings.
4. STOP doing phase 2 and move into phase 3, rather than cheat while on protocol.
5. I need to give myself permission to change my mind and alter my goals without feeling like a failure.
6. Rogue and altered versions of the VLCD do not work as well as the VLCD strict.

So out of the 50 days phase 2 I've really only followed the protocol well for about 35 days. :-( BUT I'm moving on and planning on finishing strong. I hope my failures do not provide an "excuse" for you to go off protocol but that they will help you to be committed to doing what you know it right and best for your HCG protocol success!